Reminding myself to be able to continue

I have chosen to do a PhD because I wanted to be a researcher, because I believed that I would only have the credentials to do so if I had a PhD. Also, I wanted to have autonomy to do whatever I wanted. To go and save the world. Autonomy to start the research line I wanted without anybody questioning my capacity and legitimacy.

I had forgotten about it! Omg! Currently, I was stuck on thinking that nobody needs a PhD to do whatever he/she wants to. Especially now that I’ve found out what really matters: the individual change from the inside out.

It has been really hard to keep my motivation for finishing the PhD. But yeah, it is true. It makes life easier. Especially if I am about questioning the common sense.

Since the beginning, I have always knew that being an academic was not a primary goal. I never dreamed about being a professor. I have always craved for being a catalyst to make the world a better place. To make a difference.

Now I remember that this was what I used to say when people asked me about what were my plans with the PhD. <Yeah! This is it!>

It is amazing how I got lost in my way up to here! How I started building my vision according to external expectations. What a challenge it is to keep myself centered. Integrated. Whole. Centered into what I believe. Into what I started building. Into my true life purpose.

I got lost in the waves of hatred. Anger. Fear. I disconnected myself from my self. And now I am here, struggling to have strength to finish this PhD. Giving no value to it at all. Doing things as if I were a prisoner obliged to do heavy work. I had lost touch with my inner conscience that it was never about the PhD itself. It was only about making life easier.

So I don’t have to make this PhD a cross I have to carry. It is not a cross. I am not a martir for doing a PhD. It was never about it. I misled it in the process. The PhD is not my pinnacle. And I knew it since when I started it. But I misled it in the process. I was seduced with the illusion of prestige. I went with the flow of blaming the others, of being a victim… putting more value and weight in this PhD than it deserves.

It is not a cross. I am not a martir.

It is only a page in my life book. I just need to turn it. And move on.

My pinnacle is beyond.

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Why postpone?

– What are you going to do after the PhD?

– After the PhD?

I’ll be all about me.

After the PhD, I’ll become my best friend.

I’ll give the life a chance.

I’ll fall into a romance.

I’ll be peace in every instance.

After the PhD, I may work as a volunteer.

Maybe becoming a pioneer.

And compensate for all these years.

After the PhD, I may not get a post-doc.

I’ll be in the mode “Lovers Rock”.

Gathering myself and taking stock…

Becoming whole with my body, feelings and thoughts.

But…

Why after the PhD?

Until there who knows how life is gonna be?

So I rather not lose the touch.

The here and now is all that I have got.

The sugar and ethanol industry in Brazil

 

This post is aimed at understanding the structure of the sugar and ethanol industry all over the world with a more focused gaze in Brazil. The question on my mind is: what if we go increasing resolution from the global level to the local level (in Brazil)? Ok. First we will start with the sugar production (click the image to go to original website).

sugar-production-2009-2017
Source: Statista (click on the image)

From the 195 countries in the world today(1), 121 produce sugar. What is the role played by Brazil in this market? And what are the consequences for the smaller producers? These and other questions are going to be discussed here, beginning with this post.

Here is the world (click the image to go to original website):

Read More »

Using Python for Agent-based modeling – the beginning of a quest of a Windows 7 Enterprise user (in 8 steps)

First challenge: Figure out how to install it in the university computer. I have gone through some comes and goes… but here I am going to explain straightforwardly – to save your time.

Procedure bellow

1. Go to https://www.python.org/ ==> Put the mouse of “Downloads” ==> Get the newer version (in my case 3.6.0 – and it is worth to mention that MESA only runs on versions >= 3) ==> Run the exe file “python-3.6.0.exe”
Python installed.
But it is not enough. You now need the “pip” in order to be able to install the Agent-based-modelling application. And it is done through the command
window from the windows. Everything you need to install in python is done through this pip. I think I have spent 1/2 hour trying to figure out how to do this @@$#^%.

First you need to know where you Python is located.Read More »

It’s R-Evolution, baby!!

I came here to get ahead with my PhD.

My spiritual mentor advised me to learn Dutch and to be confident that everything would go out fine. Now I feel like everything going on the other way around. And now I see the source of this situation.

I let the scholarship problem affect my goals. I allowed it to control my life. This is what  life is all about. I am not a subject, I am a co-creator.

I had a plan…Read More »

And afterall

I am in a process of learning to take care about myself.

Learning to love myself 100%.

Learning to have self respect. Learning .

I have to know myself and love myself.

But I started this post to talk about the process that took me to where I am now. Here in The Netherlands. I was working on my modeling until the first half of January. Then I stopped to focus on the potential partnership with Andrea. We had an other meeting on the 1st of February and now we had this meeting today, that did not go as Igor expected.Read More »

Doutorado – o tempo passou e aqui estou

Finalmente estou em paz com o doutorado. Esse dia chegou.

Sentindo que finalmente cheguei no ponto de simplesmente conclui-lo. Da maneira que der. Da maneira que for.

Em paz com Alessandra. Em paz com Igor. Em paz comigo.

Consciente e “sentimente” do papel dessa jornada academica na minha vida. Quantos aprendizados minha gente. Quantos aprendizados. Quantos tapas na cara. hahahah Quantas voltas no mundo. Quanta alegria estar sentindo tudo isso agora. Obrigada, Cosmos. Obrigada.Read More »