I know that I could have done a much better job there. But I was not aware that I could make mistakes. I was not aware that would not be judged. I was not aware that you consider the PhD research a continuous work in progress where supervisors and colleagues are there to support each other. I was not aware of that.
In my mind I had to be perfect. In my mind my mistakes and limitations would be highlighted and derided. I did not know that I do not need to do all the effort by myself. I did not know that I could be honest in terms of what data I had and what informations I knew. I was convinced that if I said the truth you would despise me. And I could not bear it. I thought that pretending everything was alright and that I had everything under control was a better alternative than being honest.
But now I see how misguided I was. Totally. I was not conscious about how light life can be. I was so ingrained in the “life is a struggle” mindset that I could not even imagine that there was an alternative to lying, pretending, evading… that I could live without fear and without the weight of perfection. I ccould simply arrive and say: “Look, I know you have a lot of expectations on me, but I have to be very honest with you: I do not have enough data, I just did one field research, I do not know what else can be done. I need help. I came here looking for help on how can I give an end to this PhD. I apologize for that. But this is all the truth. I just have some unstructured data. I do not have enough contacts in the region. I do not know how to approach them. Because in this stage of things I do not believe in my work anymore. So I will be very thankful if you can give some advice, guidance and support. I am kind of lost. All this strength and pride that I seem to have are merely a protective shell. In the inside I am lost and vulnerable.”
Could I really have done that? I don’t know. I think that by that time I was still not aware of all of that. And I did not know how to be honest in the professional sphere. I have always lived with fear of losing what I had – job, prestige, respect… I have always lived in fear of being judged as dumb, as weak, as incompetent. And what I would be if that happenend?
In my mind?
I would be nothing.
I kept hanging on the belief that my survival dependend on my professional attributes. So that without them, I was nothing. I would not live well. I would feel ashamed and inferior.
But now… now… after all this pretending fell to the ground. Now that tI achieved the bottom of the well of professional shame, now that I have chosen to look for the source of it deep withing myself. Now. I know. Now I know that there is nothing more valueable in life than the peace of mind, heart and soul. Being in peace. Feeling at peace. Living life at ease. This is treasure. This is sacred. This is all.
The fear of judgement do not compare with the peace of a light heart.
I have chosen to do a PhD because I wanted to be a researcher, because I believed that I would only have the credentials to do so if I had a PhD. Also, I wanted to have autonomy to do whatever I wanted. To go and save the world. Autonomy to start the research line I wanted without anybody questioning my capacity and legitimacy.
I had forgotten about it! Omg! Currently, I was stuck on thinking that nobody needs a PhD to do whatever he/she wants to. Especially now that I’ve found out what really matters: the individual change from the inside out.
It has been really hard to keep my motivation for finishing the PhD. But yeah, it is true. It makes life easier. Especially if I am about questioning the common sense.
Since the beginning, I have always knew that being an academic was not a primary goal. I never dreamed about being a professor. I have always craved for being a catalyst to make the world a better place. To make a difference.
Now I remember that this was what I used to say when people asked me about what were my plans with the PhD. <Yeah! This is it!>
It is amazing how I got lost in my way up to here! How I started building my vision according to external expectations. What a challenge it is to keep myself centered. Integrated. Whole. Centered into what I believe. Into what I started building. Into my true life purpose.
I got lost in the waves of hatred. Anger. Fear. I disconnected myself from my self. And now I am here, struggling to have strength to finish this PhD. Giving no value to it at all. Doing things as if I were a prisoner obliged to do heavy work. I had lost touch with my inner conscience that it was never about the PhD itself. It was only about making life easier.
So I don’t have to make this PhD a cross I have to carry. It is not a cross. I am not a martir for doing a PhD. It was never about it. I misled it in the process. The PhD is not my pinnacle. And I knew it since when I started it. But I misled it in the process. I was seduced with the illusion of prestige. I went with the flow of blaming the others, of being a victim… putting more value and weight in this PhD than it deserves.
It is not a cross. I am not a martir.
It is only a page in my life book. I just need to turn it. And move on.
This post is aimed at understanding the structure of the sugar and ethanol industry all over the world with a more focused gaze in Brazil. The question on my mind is: what if we go increasing resolution from the global level to the local level (in Brazil)? Ok. First we will start with the sugar production (click the image to go to original website).
From the 195 countries in the world today(1), 121 produce sugar. What is the role played by Brazil in this market? And what are the consequences for the smaller producers? These and other questions are going to be discussed here, beginning with this post.
Here is the world (click the image to go to original website):
First challenge: Figure out how to install it in the university computer. I have gone through some comes and goes… but here I am going to explain straightforwardly – to save your time.
1. Go to https://www.python.org/ ==> Put the mouse of “Downloads” ==> Get the newer version (in my case 3.6.0 – and it is worth to mention that MESA only runs on versions >= 3) ==> Run the exe file “python-3.6.0.exe”
But it is not enough. You now need the “pip” in order to be able to install the Agent-based-modelling application. And it is done through the command
window from the windows. Everything you need to install in python is done through this pip. I think I have spent 1/2 hour trying to figure out how to do this @@$#^%.
First you need to know where you Python is located.Read More »
My spiritual mentor advised me to learn Dutch and to be confident that everything would go out fine. Now I feel like everything going on the other way around. And now I see the source of this situation.
I let the scholarship problem affect my goals. I allowed it to control my life. This is what life is all about. I am not a subject, I am a co-creator.
I am in a process of learning to take care about myself.
Learning to love myself 100%.
Learning to have self respect. Learning .
I have to know myself and love myself.
But I started this post to talk about the process that took me to where I am now. Here in The Netherlands. I was working on my modeling until the first half of January. Then I stopped to focus on the potential partnership with Andrea. We had an other meeting on the 1st of February and now we had this meeting today, that did not go as Igor expected.Read More »
Faca fichamento de cada leitura que fizer, filme/documentario que assistir, musica que escutar, etc.. Registre tudo que chamar sua atencao. E tudo que achar relevante para a sua pesquisa. Construa um banco de dados de “fichas”. Isso vai evitar que voce leia o mesmo artigo inumeras vezes ao longo da pesquisa. Pq a memoria falha. 😉