Category: (English)

Lessons from the PhD

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  1. Don’t push yourself too hard. It can play against you. Be gentle.
  2. Don’t try to salve the whole world with your thesis. It is only an infinitesimal step. Be conscious of it. It is better to do a tiny thing well done than not doing a huge thing. (It is equal to the saying: “do not try to embrace the world”)
  3. Work in chapters. Organize your research so that each stage of your work is related to a particular chapter. Be sure to have finished each chapter before going to the next one.
  4. The worst case scenarios can occur. Be aware of it. That is, be optimistic, but keep it real.
  5. Sometimes things get really hard. When there is nowhere from where to get the strength to keep on going. But be aware that nobody is going to do your work for you. Make up your pieces and move on.
  6. Work on your dissertation from the first day. And work on it every day since then. Make it a habit. Your future self will be thankful for it.
  7. All this journey has an end. Fortunately.

My abilities are for me to flow not to suffer

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These days, I have been connected with it and today everything made sense.

My intelligence, my fast thinking, my engineering background, my language skills… these are all abilities that are meant to make me flow with ease. They are not my life challenges. They are resources.

For so many years I have been mistaking them for my real life purpose… so much time and energy on it…

and they are not.

They are in fact my passport to a smooth and comfortable life… the means for me to smile and keep on moving… not suffering… being thankful instead.

I don’t need to fear.

My real challenge resides in the understanding of what life is all about. Resides in understanding who am I. In getting to know deeper and deeper the pathway and purpose of my soul on planet Earth.

I came here to relax. To be calm. And wake up.

Hence, my real challenges reside in meditation and connection with my higher self. In understanding and living upon a deeply ingrained feeling of self-worth and joy.

I am worthy. No matter what.

My real challenges reside in understanding what Love is all about and living upon it.

Discovering self-love.

Understanding self-love.

And existing upon self-love.

This is my life purpose. This is where my energy must be invested in most of my time.

The PhD and my professional life are gifts.

They are blessings meant to make my life flow calmly and smoothly while I learn what I have to learn. And live what I have to live in order to achieve what I have to achieve. That is an expanded consciousness. An integrated existence with my body, mind, and soul. Understanding the power of my DNA. The power of being my own oracle. Connected with the creative source of the Universe.

Being human and being boundless.

All is one.

And I am grateful.

Life: a work in progress

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I am living in a world where there is so much to be done. Several times (in fact, all the time), I used to push myself to do as much as I could. With tension. With a feeling that nothing would be enough. Feeling guilty and not giving attention to my family and to myself.

But now I understand that everything has its own pace and that just by existing I am already doing what I came here to do.

Things are working out and progressing. Each contribution is THE contribution. Each drop of effort is building the ocean of peace, health, happiness and joy for humankind on Earth.

Each drop. Each step. Each piece. Each inch is relevant. And I am one of them.

I am learning to feel enough about myself. And I am also learning that each human that came before me has also done his/her part. Has also put a drop in the enlightened ocean. Making it bigger and deeper inch by inch.

We continue.

Embracing my shadows

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Somehow I have installed into myself a software of feeling good when I feel I am superior in some way (as if that existed). I am still comparing myself to others. I can’t believe it. But it is true. I still find my brain judging. Looking for flaws in others’ work in order to feel good and righteous. This is so unnecessary. But it is in me. Still. And I am not going to fight myself. I am not going to judge myself. I am just acknowledging. And accepting. Read More »

Dear I. … again

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Again I did not do what I said I would. Again.

I do not have courage to write to you justifying myself anymore. I really don’t. I don’t know what to say.

I say I am going to do something and I don’t. This is so recurrent. It seems like it lacks in me a kind of sistematization in terms of what I can and can not do. Should I start planning by a day basis? Like, I am doing this today, so if I don’t, tomorrow I am going to do something else.

At the same time, I know that I can not control life. And somedays Ii am not in the mood of dong something and in the other day I am. So, there is a conflict about my nature and my reasoning. I think this is the burden of discipline. Doing what I know is the best to me even if I am not in the mood to do so or even if something else happen. There’s always a way to get the thing done. There is always a way. Always. And I need to connect with it right now. It is mandatory to me. Man-da-to-ry. It is one month, Victoria. One month and then you’ll be able to relax again. One month. Put all your heart and mind on it. All your will. All your strength. And get things done. Turn of all the distractions. I mean ALL THE DISTRACTIONS. Live in the university. Arrive at 8h and leave at 22h. But have this thesis done. If you do not have the book. Buy it. Do not waste time digging in the internet. Buy it and that’s it. The same for papers. Just right. Just move on.

And I., thanks a lot for everything. I wish I could press the reset button. I would have done things very differently. I would have shared much more. But yeah. In my model still lacks verification because of the changes I have implemented before having the first tests. This the problem of not working in rounds. Testing, finishing versions formally. And then starting another. Like in a project. Because this is what it is. I have been learning the hard way the relevance of doing science iteratively. The relevance of colaborating. Of being honest above all.

So many lessons learnt. So much experience in a short time.

But let’s move on. We can not draft life. It is always for real.

They know it all

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When I went to The Netherlands, I expected to find people dumb on the human side. Unskilled to understand “real life” problems. Lost in their paradise of dignity and life quality. But I was chocked to experience exactly the opposite. They knew it all. About emotions, about human fragility. About stress. About science. It was like if they were ages ahead of Brazilian society, as here we still are struggling to make social burdens as racism, sexism, depression, stress, pollution taken really seriously but the government and institutions like the academy.

My persception is that they somehow overcame this stage where we find ourselves now to build a society were people look at themselves in the eyes. Where people smile at you in the stores, in the streets, in the parks. Where people do not ask you “why not?” if you say you do not want to do something. They will simply say “ok”. They understand that you know more about yourself than anybody else and then that you know better what you need.

Also, it doesn’t matter how inteligent you are or are not. How boring you are or are not. People will always treat you with respect. They will talk to you respectfully and listen well to each word that leaves your mouth. Even if the do not understand it. They will listen and smile. They will point out the positive aspects of your presentations. They will make interested questions on that one thing that they found valuable in your work.

What a life experience.

It seems to me that they have a deeper notion of what being human is all about, so that they do not take that so seriously. They are aware of the ups and downs. They are aware that the world goes around. That anything can happen and that nothing is the end of the world. And that life is not only work.

I then slipped on my sandals of humility, and I became eager to learn as much as possible from them.

We are the wasted. Deluded by the need to be better than the other and worst: that to do so we need to undermine the other. Enprisioned in a slave mindset, believing we need to suffer to thrive. And believing in punishment as a mean to education…

… when all we need is love.

 

Redemption post

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Dear I.

I know that I could have done a much better job there. But I was not aware that I could make mistakes. I was not aware that would not be judged. I was not aware that you consider the PhD research a continuous work in progress where supervisors and colleagues are there to support each other. I was not aware of that.

In my mind I had to be perfect. In my mind my mistakes and limitations would be highlighted and derided. I did not know that I do not need to do all the effort by myself. I did not know that I could be honest in terms of what data I had and what informations I knew. I was convinced that if I said the truth you would despise me. And I could not bear it. I thought that pretending everything was alright and that I had everything under control was a better alternative than being honest.

But now I see how misguided I was. Totally. I was not conscious about how light life can be. I was so ingrained in the “life is a struggle” mindset that I could not even imagine that there was an alternative to lying, pretending, evading… that I could live without fear and without the weight of perfection. I ccould simply arrive and say: “Look, I know you have a lot of expectations on me, but I have to be very honest with you: I do not have enough data, I just did one field research, I do not know what else can be done. I need help. I came here looking for help on how can I give an end to this PhD. I apologize for that. But this is all the truth. I just have some unstructured data. I do not have enough contacts in the region. I do not know how to approach them. Because in this stage of things I do not believe in my work anymore. So I will be very thankful if you can give some advice, guidance and support. I am kind of lost. All this strength and pride that I seem to have are merely a protective shell. In the inside I am lost and vulnerable.”

Could I really have done that? I don’t know. I think that by that time I was still not aware of all of that. And I did not know how to be honest in the professional sphere. I have always lived with fear of losing what I had – job, prestige, respect… I have always lived in fear of being judged as dumb, as weak, as incompetent. And what I would be if that happenend?

In my mind?

I would be nothing.

I kept hanging on the belief that my survival dependend on my professional attributes. So that without them, I was nothing. I would not live well. I would feel ashamed and inferior.

But now… now… after all this pretending fell to the ground. Now that tI achieved the bottom of the well of professional shame, now that I have chosen to look for the source of it deep withing myself. Now. I know. Now I know that there is nothing more valueable in life than the peace of mind, heart and soul. Being in peace. Feeling at peace.  Living life at ease. This is treasure. This is sacred. This is all.

The fear of judgement do not compare with the peace of a light heart.

Namaste.