Turning shame into confidence

I do things and I feel ashamed right away.

Confidence

Self-confidence. I will question: what if the person was not a professor? a director? a supervisor? or any other “prestigious” position?

Yesterday I received an release for a conference on how business can tackle modern slavery and I remembered the new business of Igor on modelling the impacts of investment decisions. So I decided to forward him the release.I could have said nothing.But I would like to say something. So I wrote: “Hi Igor, maybe this could be of your interest somehow.”

Well, it first started on the process to write this simple sentence. It took me ages. Changing and imagining what would he think… bla bla bla…. things that I am used to. Holy shit.

Okay, after some write and erase, write and erase, write and erase, I finally sent this message to him.

But, al always, soon after I have clicked on the “send” button, I started feeling like a loser. Because I realized I passed lack of confidence with that sentence. So, I started thinking that I could have written something more specific. That I could have pointed specifically whiy I thought that conference or taht information would be of his interest. Actually, now I think this would be the best approach always – as I am very used to send people things if I think could be of interest.

I am striving to let go of society expectations. But sometimes I come back to the old pattern.

The approach I wish to have had was: 1. Send it with the inner authentic motivation. Not overthinking over the introduction. Or better. Not writing anything.Or writing something, anything and send it. That is it. 2. After sending, if a thought arrive with idea of how to do it better on the next time, okay. Accept it. Take note. And that is it. 3. Remain calm e focused on my activities. Feeling good.Not worried about what he will/would think about me.

How come I had turn from a free and self-confident child to an adult imprisoned in the illusion of perfection, of superiority/inferiority, of separation, of scarcity, of excessive politeness?

In essence I am light like a cotton fiber. Manifest it in my life.

Everything is ok. Everything is always ok.

I can’t let someone else put value on me. I can't let someone else determine how I fell. This is the first step. Recognize that I am still like this. Put light on the shadow.

The second step is accepting this shadow.

The third is to live with it. Feel it.

The fourth is understand that it is only the product of my own beliefs. And that I am creating this reality. And if I create the reality, I can change it.

And finally, let it go.

That is, I am creating this image of lack of confidence. And feeling bad about it. But no. I chose to create another reality. I have sent it because I wanted to. Because I enjoy sharing with people.And if he thinks something unpleasant about me, it is not personal. It is a product of his own beliefs.  Ican be and do anything I want. And that is okay.

If he does not answer, it does not mean anything for me. Because I am getting the recognition from inside.I am happy in my own skin. I like what I do. I like my sensitivity towards the others.

Life is a joy. Life is to enjoy.

And let the next wave come.

 

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