Welcome to my world…


vic na flor de lotus com bolinhas

Art by Bia Watanabe.


Adaptando template Latex de tese Coppe/UFRJ para quem vai escrever a tese em ingles

O template mais atualizado cujo link foi disponibilizado nesse post eh para tese toda em portugues (somente com um abstract em ingles). Dai, mesmo escrevendo a tese em ingles, os titulos das secoes: sumario, lista de figuras… capitulos, apendices e bibliografia permanecem em portugues. Alem disso, ha o perrengue de o titulo principal da tese ser em ingles e ele ja vai automaticamente para resumo em portugues, enquanto o titulo em portugues, que deveria ser encarado como a “foreign language” na tese escrita em ingles, vai para o template do abstract em ingles. Ou seja, fica invertido. Resumo com titulo em ingles e Abstract com titulo em portugues.

A boa noticia eh esses dois detalhes sao facilmente resolviveis.

Gracas aos meu querido amigo Leo (gratidao, querido ♥), resolvi esse perrengue hoje. Entao, como boa compartilhadora que sou, deixo aqui o caminho das pedras. Todas as mudancas eh no arquivo coppe.cls (arquivo tipo LaTex Class).

Vamos la, primeiro o resumo/abstract:Read More »

Dear I. … again

Again I did not do what I said I would. Again.

I do not have courage to write to you justifying myself anymore. I really don’t. I don’t know what to say.

I say I am going to do something and I don’t. This is so recurrent. It seems like it lacks in me a kind of sistematization in terms of what I can and can not do. Should I start planning by a day basis? Like, I am doing this today, so if I don’t, tomorrow I am going to do something else.

At the same time, I know that I can not control life. And somedays Ii am not in the mood of dong something and in the other day I am. So, there is a conflict about my nature and my reasoning. I think this is the burden of discipline. Doing what I know is the best to me even if I am not in the mood to do so or even if something else happen. There’s always a way to get the thing done. There is always a way. Always. And I need to connect with it right now. It is mandatory to me. Man-da-to-ry. It is one month, Victoria. One month and then you’ll be able to relax again. One month. Put all your heart and mind on it. All your will. All your strength. And get things done. Turn of all the distractions. I mean ALL THE DISTRACTIONS. Live in the university. Arrive at 8h and leave at 22h. But have this thesis done. If you do not have the book. Buy it. Do not waste time digging in the internet. Buy it and that’s it. The same for papers. Just right. Just move on.

And I., thanks a lot for everything. I wish I could press the reset button. I would have done things very differently. I would have shared much more. But yeah. In my model still lacks verification because of the changes I have implemented before having the first tests. This the problem of not working in rounds. Testing, finishing versions formally. And then starting another. Like in a project. Because this is what it is. I have been learning the hard way the relevance of doing science iteratively. The relevance of colaborating. Of being honest above all.

So many lessons learnt. So much experience in a short time.

But let’s move on. We can not draft life. It is always for real.

O maravilhoso recurso do blog

Gente, estou amando ter deixado o blog desbloqueado para escrever livremente enquanto trabalho na minha tese.

Nao nao tenho tempo para isso.

Mas, ao mesmo tempo, o blog tem servido de dreno para meus pensamentos incessantes. Entao tem ajudado a esvaziar minha mente para eu focar no trabalho. Pelo menos eh essa minha impressao agora. Simbora.

Eu e o rebuscamento

Ultimamente tenho percebido o quanto sou rebuscada na maneira de me expressar. Ate no trabalho. Ate no modelo que estou escrevendo. Ate em ingles. ao inves de digitar simplesmente t/y, eu escrevo tonne/y. Ao inves de eu descrever os investidores como agentes que investem, eu escrevo que investidores sao agentes que “realizam investimento”.

Eu hein. Sera que eh a minha antiguidade inata??

0.o de novo…

They know it all

When I went to The Netherlands, I expected to find people dumb on the human side. Unskilled to understand “real life” problems. Lost in their paradise of dignity and life quality. But I was chocked to experience exactly the opposite. They knew it all. About emotions, about human fragility. About stress. About science. It was like if they were ages ahead of Brazilian society, as here we still are struggling to make social burdens as racism, sexism, depression, stress, pollution taken really seriously but the government and institutions like the academy.

My persception is that they somehow overcame this stage where we find ourselves now to build a society were people look at themselves in the eyes. Where people smile at you in the stores, in the streets, in the parks. Where people do not ask you “why not?” if you say you do not want to do something. They will simply say “ok”. They understand that you know more about yourself than anybody else and then that you know better what you need.

Also, it doesn’t matter how inteligent you are or are not. How boring you are or are not. People will always treat you with respect. They will talk to you respectfully and listen well to each word that leaves your mouth. Even if the do not understand it. They will listen and smile. They will point out the positive aspects of your presentations. They will make interested questions on that one thing that they found valuable in your work.

What a life experience.

It seems to me that they have a deeper notion of what being human is all about, so that they do not take that so seriously. They are aware of the ups and downs. They are aware that the world goes around. That anything can happen and that nothing is the end of the world. And that life is not only work.

I then slipped on my sandals of humility, and I became eager to learn as much as possible from them.

We are the wasted. Deluded by the need to be better than the other and worst: that to do so we need to undermine the other. Enprisioned in a slave mindset, believing we need to suffer to thrive. And believing in punishment as a mean to education…

… when all we need is love.


Redemption post

Dear I.

I know that I could have done a much better job there. But I was not aware that I could make mistakes. I was not aware that would not be judged. I was not aware that you consider the PhD research a continuous work in progress where supervisors and colleagues are there to support each other. I was not aware of that.

In my mind I had to be perfect. In my mind my mistakes and limitations would be highlighted and derided. I did not know that I do not need to do all the effort by myself. I did not know that I could be honest in terms of what data I had and what informations I knew. I was convinced that if I said the truth you would despise me. And I could not bear it. I thought that pretending everything was alright and that I had everything under control was a better alternative than being honest.

But now I see how misguided I was. Totally. I was not conscious about how light life can be. I was so ingrained in the “life is a struggle” mindset that I could not even imagine that there was an alternative to lying, pretending, evading… that I could live without fear and without the weight of perfection. I ccould simply arrive and say: “Look, I know you have a lot of expectations on me, but I have to be very honest with you: I do not have enough data, I just did one field research, I do not know what else can be done. I need help. I came here looking for help on how can I give an end to this PhD. I apologize for that. But this is all the truth. I just have some unstructured data. I do not have enough contacts in the region. I do not know how to approach them. Because in this stage of things I do not believe in my work anymore. So I will be very thankful if you can give some advice, guidance and support. I am kind of lost. All this strength and pride that I seem to have are merely a protective shell. In the inside I am lost and vulnerable.”

Could I really have done that? I don’t know. I think that by that time I was still not aware of all of that. And I did not know how to be honest in the professional sphere. I have always lived with fear of losing what I had – job, prestige, respect… I have always lived in fear of being judged as dumb, as weak, as incompetent. And what I would be if that happenend?

In my mind?

I would be nothing.

I kept hanging on the belief that my survival dependend on my professional attributes. So that without them, I was nothing. I would not live well. I would feel ashamed and inferior.

But now… now… after all this pretending fell to the ground. Now that tI achieved the bottom of the well of professional shame, now that I have chosen to look for the source of it deep withing myself. Now. I know. Now I know that there is nothing more valueable in life than the peace of mind, heart and soul. Being in peace. Feeling at peace.  Living life at ease. This is treasure. This is sacred. This is all.

The fear of judgement do not compare with the peace of a light heart.


Tudo é caminho

Eu não preciso resistir a nada. Tudo é caminho.
O que sabe minha inteligência pouco sábia…
Nem um tiquinho.

Eu não preciso saber. Eu só preciso fazer.
Ler os sinais.
Consciente de que sou capaz.
E num estado inabalável de paz.

Lançar-me aa vida que me dança.
Seguir os passos dessa dança.
Deixar-me ser sua criança…

O que eu sei?
Apenas que eu nunca saberei.
E que mesmo assim seguirei
Sem resposta certa quando me perguntarem “Para onde ireis?”
Mas com a certeza de que um dia apenas Luz eu serei.

Como eu parei de “forçar a barra”

Eu não forço mais a barra para nada.
Não preciso agir com esperteza com o intuito de levar vantagem.

Hoje eu sei que tudo que é para mim vem naturalmente. Mesmo que a princípio pareça pouco provável. Acho que vou colecionar os exemplos e colocar aqui.
Um deles foi quando eu trouxe o creme de minha irmã para casa de meus pais semana passada e ela falou que iria levá-lo de volta. Quando ela estava se arrumando para viajar, pensei que, espertamente, eu poderia não lembrar a ela do creme e, como ela geralmente esquece das coisas, o creme ficaria para mim. Mas não. Imediatamente pensei que não preciso disso mais. Que agindo com integridade e sem forçar a barra, eu poderia ficar com o creme. E se não ficasse, tudo bem. A vida me dá naturalmente o que eu preciso e me livra, também naturalmente, do que eu não preciso. E assim foi… Avisei a minha irmã para ela não se esquecer do creme. E ela falou:”É verdade!”. E pronto. Fiquei tranquila. Aceitando que teria de usar outro creme.

No outro dia, antes de ela ir embora, ela solta um: “Eu vou deixar o creme aí pra você.” E assim o fez. E estou usando o creme. E não precisei agir com sagacidade. Com esperteza. Não precisei forçar a barra.
E assim tem acontecido com inúmeras coisas.

O meu primeiro impulso sempre é agir como se eu vivesse na escassez e precisasse usar da esperteza para o tempo todo pensar em maneiras de estar numa melhor… de levar a melhor. No “modo sobrevivência”. Sempre alerta a possíveis ameaças ou possíveis oportunidades. Mas de um lugar de falta. De um lugar de competição. De um lugar de inquietação.
Mas logo em seguida eu reconecto com a sabedoria universal. A consciência da unidade. A inteligência primordial que tudo rege. E relembro que eu não preciso agir com sagacidade. Com tensão. Eu posso agir com sinceridade. Com honestidade. Com integridade. Com amor.


Eu tudo que for para ser meu será.

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